The Ninth Circle of Hell


We are now among the traitors of men whose treachery knows no bounds. Wait, this can't be. Someone was here prior to our arrival, look at the tracks. Over there! It looks like some kind of tunneling device. Why anyone would tunnel into the core of the earth is beyond me. Is that Aaron Eckhart I see? It is. He must have become frozen in the ice after his betrayal of Gotham City. Whatever the case, it's not our concern.

For being in the center of the earth I was expecting it to be a little less frigid. Do you remember what I told you in the seventh circle? It seems as though Lucifer hasn't found a replacement energy company for Enron. That would definitely explain the lack of warmth.

We are very close. All we have to do is pass through the concentric circles and then climb down Lucifer's back. Afterwards, we will emerge in the other hemisphere. The cartoons were right about digging to China after all. Maybe that was Aaron Eckhart's initial intention?

Circle 1

The first circle is named after Frederico Corleone. Fredo betrayed is brother Michael when he was approached by an agent of Hyman Roth. As painful as it is to have to say this, it must be said. Traitors should be brought to justice, even if it means turning them into human Popsicles. It breaks my heart.

Circle 2

This circle is named Alexanora, after Alexander "Alec" Trevelyan (006). He betrayed MI6 and his close friend, James Bond. Trevelyan's motive was brought about by the death of his parents and was further fueled by Bond's handling of the Arkhangelsk mission. Upon learning of Alec's betrayal, I guess you could say that Bond was shaken, not stirred.

Circle 3

A wizard should know better! Saruman, however, allowed power to corrupt him and turned on his friends by allying himself with Sauron. That is why the third circle is named Sarumaea. Even when offered a chance at redemption he rejected it, as is often the case with those here.

Circle 4

The ultimate betrayal took place a long time ago in a galaxy far, far away, and forever changed mankind's history. Anecca, as it's called, references the most powerful Jedi in history, Anakin Skywalker. Many believed that he was the chosen one, who would bring balance to the Force. Regrettably, he fell to the dark side in an effort to save the love of his life. It seems in his anger, he killed her. Tragic irony.

Imprisoned in the center of Hell is Lucifer, who weeps at his plight. We must carefully climb down, lest we disturb this beast.

At last, it is done. I have now led you to Hell and back. Are you hungry? Me too. I've heard good things about this P.F. Chang fellow. If you buy, I'll consider us even.

Our journey is complete, but our quest is only beginning . . .

The Eighth Circle of Hell


Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to venture through the Malebolge. I don't have to stress the importance of this matter. As always, should you or any member of your IM force be caught or killed, we will disavow all knowledge of your actions. Good luck.

The fraudulent are located within the Malebolge, or evil ditches. By definition, fraudulence involves deception. The spies I idolize reside here due to this. Ethan Hunt, as referenced above, and more importantly, James Bond. Let's be fair though, Timothy Dalton probably deserves to be in Hell.

Bolgia 1

Panderers (pimps) and seducers march for all of eternity while being whipped by demons. It's not all bad. Occasionally, demons are laughing too hard to whip. This is because of Katt Williams. His antics make life here somewhat tolerable.

Bolgia 2

Flatterers exploit others and are steeped in human excrement. Much like the incident Tucker Max wrote about. I call that foreshadow, and no, they don't serve beer in Hell.

Bolgia 3

Simony refers to those who tried to buy or sell positions within the church. Well, the government may as well be America's church, which means that Rod Blagojevich is going to have his head buried in a rock. Just like the time he buried his head when learning law.

Bolgia 4

Mickey Mouse and Nicolas Cage are the most notable sorcerers here. Unfortunately, the two are not fond of each other. Mickey is upset because Nicolas Cage helped portray a mockery of Mickey's 'Fantasia'. He has a point.

Bolgia 5

Richard Nixon is the most prominent politician immersed within the lake of boiling pitch. With him are several BP executives. I suppose that would explain the lake full of petroleum-derived pitch. What surprises me most is the fact that politicians don't have a circle of Hell devoted to them alone. The only requirement would be having a body that was flabby, pasty-skinned, and riddled with phlebitis.

Bolgia 6

Hipstercrites are weighed down by their gilded lead cloaks, which represent the falsity behind the surface appearance of their actions. Even in Hell they have to make a fashion statement and be independent from the norm. To that I say good riddance, which also happens to be the title of a mainstream song that hipsters hate.

Bolgia 7

It seems as though Danny Ocean and his team are at it again, but this time in Hell. Other noteworthy thieves include Catherine Zeta-Jones and Sean Connery. Connery is not tormented like the others, though. His voice creates a calming peace which has won him favor with the centaur guard. Actually, he finds Hell rather relaxing.

Bolgia 8

Fraudulent advisers and evil councillors are concealed within individual flames. To no surprise, Dark Lords of the Sith are found here. Emperor Palpatine will finally answer for his manipulation in turning Anakin Skywalker to the dark side. Everything is proceeding as I have foreseen.

Bolgia 9

Those who ripped asunder the community are punished here. A demon hacks at the sowers of discord, dividing parts of their bodies like they divided others in life. Elephants and donkeys are in agreement for the first time now that they share the same misery.

Bolgia 10

Counterfeiters, perjurers, and other falsifiers make up the last Bolgia. Which of course means that Leonardo DiCaprio and Barry Bonds are present. Both of whom were caught. Even if you are clever enough to escape punishment on earth, you will find it here several times over.

Our journey is nearly complete now that the last circle lies ahead of us.

The Seventh Circle of Hell


Imagine a world without violence, what would it be like? I suppose it would be a bit more cute, fluffy, and adorable (gay marriage would probably be legal too). Well, I know cute and adorable, I see it in the mirror every day. Can it really replace the satisfaction you get from seeing C-4 take out an entire building floor? Or watching a fellow named Hans Gruber fall from the 30th floor of said building? While you ride a unicorn in a pink bunny suit, I'll be totin' a bag full of weapons and a stupid rope, just like Charlie Bronson.

The seventh circle of Hell has three rings, again, like Charles Bronson. Coincidence? The outer ring houses those who were violent against people and property, suicides are located within the middle, and the inner ring hosts blasphemers. Its shape is similar to a crop circle, but with no relation to a certain alcoholic. Swing away.

Outer Ring

Nessus will guide us along the river of boiling blood and across a ford (Found On the River Dead). Ironically, the witch that tried to boil Hansel is boiling here. A distant ancestor of Hans Gruber perhaps? Watch this. Hey Alexander, Cleopatra wasn't as hot as you made her seem!

Middle Ring

As it turns out, Hell requires a lot of energy to sustain its operations. Since Enron went under, the devil has not been able to find a suitable replacement. His only option was to do more with less and go green. Due to this, suicides are transformed into thorny bushes and trees; environmentalism at its finest. Unfortunately, they also look tasty and are fed on by harpies, who were originally vegans.

Inner Ring

In the desert of flaming sand lie the blasphemers, sodomites, and usurers. It appears as though they are blocking our path. Stay here for a moment, I'll scare them off. Quick, hurry! The Sand People are easily startled but they'll soon be back, and in greater numbers.

Geryon will help us descend the cliff down to the eighth circle.

The Sixth Circle of Hell


Did you bring the fire extinguisher like I asked? No? Who doesn't come to Hell with a fire extinguisher, honestly.

Heretics lie in flaming tombs because of their controversial views. On the other hand, it could be because they were indecisive in life. Even prior to death, they could not decide if they wanted to be cremated or buried. That's why they have flaming tombs, it's the best of both. In any case, it's a fire hazard.

I love you, so I say this because I care. Quit being a heretic and quit trying to change the world. All of a sudden everyone wants to be a handyman. If it ain't broke, don't fix it. After millions of years, what you do is probably not going to matter. Take a step back and walk away. Every time someone messes with the system they make it worse. Then they expect me to compensate for their failure. I'll keep my money, and you keep the change.

On the subject of change, I find this quite astonishing. Years ago, someone decided that the world is round. Thanks for filling the uneducated with hopes and dreams, you jackass! The world is and always has been flat. I've seen it with my own eyes. Don't you remember when Keira Knightley fell off the edge of the world? It was documented all this time and you still believe the "world is round" hoax.

You don't have to agree with me, well, you do. If you want to live, I mean. If you don't agree with me, I'll crucify you. And then, centuries later, people will reminisce about you and put you on keychains and jewelry. Is that what you really want?

People seem to cover their ears and say, "I can't hear you, I can't hear you" while walking blindly. All I'm saying is that you have been mislead by those around you. Listen to me, would I lead you astray? Of course not. However, be warned, they will shun you for following me. In the end though, you shall be rewarded. Should you decide to call me a prophet, I won't mind. It's your prerogative.

Watch your step, my blind friend, the steps to the seventh circle are steep.

The Fifth Circle of Hell

Wrath and Sullenness

I hope you brought a life jacket. In a short while we will be crossing the river Styx, and I don't think you want to fall in. It's comparable to a Louisiana marsh, but instead of creepy crawlies there are people who forgot to take swimming lessons. Hold on, let me find out what the problem is.

Wait just a minute Phlegyas, are you kidding me? You want us to travel across Styx in a rickety ol' dinghy? Having made it this far, we should at least have a yacht at our disposal. Oh, you're sorry. A lot of good that does us now. Does your apology come with hors d'oeuvres? Yes, it's french. Why are you laughing? I'm trying to make a point. Fine, let's go. So, is it always warm down here or is it seasonal?

The gurgling sounds you hear are from the sullen. They could find no joy in life, and are now condemned into a black sulkiness. The people on top of the surface are the wrathful. Hey, I know that guy! That jerk went to high school with me. I've been sayin' it. I've been sayin' it for ten damn years. Ain't I been sayin' it?

Oh my, will you look at that. It must be fight night! The atmosphere, it reminds me of Vegas. Is that? It is, it is! James Brown is singing while one of the fighters makes his entrance! Let's listen in.

In the blue corner, the former heavyweight champion of the world, the Dancing Destroyer, the King of Sting, the Count of Monte Fisto, the Master of Disaster, the one and only, Apollo Creed!

In the red corner, gold medalist and undefeated world amateur champion from the Soviet Union, the Siberian Bull, Ivan Drago!

I see why this fight was dubbed "Fight of the Afterlife". It's a shame we have to keep moving. If only our "yacht" had Pay-Per-View. What's that, Phlegyas? No, I didn't hear about Chuck Norris. Is that so? Apparently the devil made Chuck Norris sign a waiver forbidding him from entering Hell. Our friend Phlegyas says that the devil was petrified of what might happen if Chuck took up residence here. My guess is that he would have taken over within a week.

Ah, we have finally arrived at Dis. For the next circle, you might want to bring a fire extinguisher.

The Fourth Circle of Hell

Avarice and Prodigality

It's okay if you don't know what that means. I had to look it up myself. Get ready to take notes. Go ahead, grab a pen, I'll wait. Like lust and gluttony, avarice is a sin of excess. It refers to people who hoarded possessions during their life. Additionally, the prodigal are people who squandered possessions and were recklessly wasteful. Okay, the lecture is concluded, moving on.

To their credit, the people in the fourth circle of Hell try to make life interesting. The avaricious and prodigal joust with huge money bags. Is that not awesome? If you've ever been to a renaissance faire or seen A Knight's Tale, you know how epic jousting can be. Just imagine Heath Ledger pushing an enormous bag of gold coins towards his opponent with "We Will Rock You" playing in the background. Now that would make a good screenplay. He may even be in the fourth circle doing that as we speak, meaning, he wouldn't even need to learn the part. I would see that movie.

"Greed will imprison us all." - Steven Reign

The word greed is synonymous with the board game Monopoly. According to the Associated Press, the Parker Brothers are responsible for the dramatic rise in divorce over the last half century. Outside of destroying families, Monopoly also teaches us to exploit resources and to crave power; traits often seen in big business today, and therefore, governments. Think big picture, think oil, think capitalism. The American Dream: The Real Game of Life. Simply put, if you play Monopoly, you're going to Hell.

The lesson here is that we shouldn't take solace in material goods and wealth. I know, it's not what you wanted to hear. Tell ya what, I like you, so I'll sacrifice myself for your well-being. In order for you to avoid this fate, I will take your possessions for safe keeping, in my safe. Money, valuables, everything. For your sake, I will do you this favor.

Some day, and that day may never come, I will call upon you to do a service for me. But until that day, consider this a gift.

Stay close, the people in the next circle are easily provoked.

The Third Circle of Hell


Terrorists are right about infidels going to Hell. Americans are some of the most gluttonous people on the face of the earth. It's no wonder that they obsess over us. I believe that their resentment primarily stems from leadership. Osama bin Laden to be exact. See, bin Laden was the fat kid in school. To end his shame, he has been on a crusade to eradicate fat people, namely Americans. What infuriates him above all else are cupcakes. One man was even beheaded for offering bin Laden a cupcake with pink frosting and sprinkles.

There is no other explanation for his hate of Americans. Pardon the culinary expression, but, the proof is in the pudding. Look no further than Ramadan, an observance established by bin Laden, in which participating individuals refrain from eating and drinking in excess. It's called fasting, a term created to mock fast food enterprises. Sadly, cupcakes are forbidden.

Nevertheless, I have found a way to appease bin Laden and the terrorists. We must devise a nationwide initiative focused on anti-obesity. Thankfully, Michelle Obama already has a plan in motion. Nothing beats forcing a plan of action down the public's throat (irony). What an adrenaline rush! If you ask me, bin Laden and Obama are in cahoots. But that's just if you ask me. I'm not a conspiracy theorist, but this is fishy (fish are a healthy source of protein, by the way). It's quite obvious, really. Osama? Obama? Do you think that's merely a coincidence? Hardly.

Okay, that's enough talk concerning the eradication of fatties. The third circle of Hell also refers to gluttony as self-indulgence, representing the cold and selfish. Even though I am guilty of all sins found within the nine circles of Hell, gluttony characterizes me the least. What a load off my mind. Ya know, I'm feeling good right now. We should celebrate by throwing a party. And let's not stop there, we can have a feast! Yeah! Plenty of food and drink for all. It will be out of this world.

The foul stench is beginning to overtake me, let's proceed to the fourth circle.