The Fifth Circle of Hell

Wrath and Sullenness

I hope you brought a life jacket. In a short while we will be crossing the river Styx, and I don't think you want to fall in. It's comparable to a Louisiana marsh, but instead of creepy crawlies there are people who forgot to take swimming lessons. Hold on, let me find out what the problem is.

Wait just a minute Phlegyas, are you kidding me? You want us to travel across Styx in a rickety ol' dinghy? Having made it this far, we should at least have a yacht at our disposal. Oh, you're sorry. A lot of good that does us now. Does your apology come with hors d'oeuvres? Yes, it's french. Why are you laughing? I'm trying to make a point. Fine, let's go. So, is it always warm down here or is it seasonal?

The gurgling sounds you hear are from the sullen. They could find no joy in life, and are now condemned into a black sulkiness. The people on top of the surface are the wrathful. Hey, I know that guy! That jerk went to high school with me. I've been sayin' it. I've been sayin' it for ten damn years. Ain't I been sayin' it?

Oh my, will you look at that. It must be fight night! The atmosphere, it reminds me of Vegas. Is that? It is, it is! James Brown is singing while one of the fighters makes his entrance! Let's listen in.

In the blue corner, the former heavyweight champion of the world, the Dancing Destroyer, the King of Sting, the Count of Monte Fisto, the Master of Disaster, the one and only, Apollo Creed!

In the red corner, gold medalist and undefeated world amateur champion from the Soviet Union, the Siberian Bull, Ivan Drago!

I see why this fight was dubbed "Fight of the Afterlife". It's a shame we have to keep moving. If only our "yacht" had Pay-Per-View. What's that, Phlegyas? No, I didn't hear about Chuck Norris. Is that so? Apparently the devil made Chuck Norris sign a waiver forbidding him from entering Hell. Our friend Phlegyas says that the devil was petrified of what might happen if Chuck took up residence here. My guess is that he would have taken over within a week.

Ah, we have finally arrived at Dis. For the next circle, you might want to bring a fire extinguisher.

The Fourth Circle of Hell

Avarice and Prodigality

It's okay if you don't know what that means. I had to look it up myself. Get ready to take notes. Go ahead, grab a pen, I'll wait. Like lust and gluttony, avarice is a sin of excess. It refers to people who hoarded possessions during their life. Additionally, the prodigal are people who squandered possessions and were recklessly wasteful. Okay, the lecture is concluded, moving on.

To their credit, the people in the fourth circle of Hell try to make life interesting. The avaricious and prodigal joust with huge money bags. Is that not awesome? If you've ever been to a renaissance faire or seen A Knight's Tale, you know how epic jousting can be. Just imagine Heath Ledger pushing an enormous bag of gold coins towards his opponent with "We Will Rock You" playing in the background. Now that would make a good screenplay. He may even be in the fourth circle doing that as we speak, meaning, he wouldn't even need to learn the part. I would see that movie.

"Greed will imprison us all." - Steven Reign

The word greed is synonymous with the board game Monopoly. According to the Associated Press, the Parker Brothers are responsible for the dramatic rise in divorce over the last half century. Outside of destroying families, Monopoly also teaches us to exploit resources and to crave power; traits often seen in big business today, and therefore, governments. Think big picture, think oil, think capitalism. The American Dream: The Real Game of Life. Simply put, if you play Monopoly, you're going to Hell.

The lesson here is that we shouldn't take solace in material goods and wealth. I know, it's not what you wanted to hear. Tell ya what, I like you, so I'll sacrifice myself for your well-being. In order for you to avoid this fate, I will take your possessions for safe keeping, in my safe. Money, valuables, everything. For your sake, I will do you this favor.

Some day, and that day may never come, I will call upon you to do a service for me. But until that day, consider this a gift.

Stay close, the people in the next circle are easily provoked.

The Third Circle of Hell


Terrorists are right about infidels going to Hell. Americans are some of the most gluttonous people on the face of the earth. It's no wonder that they obsess over us. I believe that their resentment primarily stems from leadership. Osama bin Laden to be exact. See, bin Laden was the fat kid in school. To end his shame, he has been on a crusade to eradicate fat people, namely Americans. What infuriates him above all else are cupcakes. One man was even beheaded for offering bin Laden a cupcake with pink frosting and sprinkles.

There is no other explanation for his hate of Americans. Pardon the culinary expression, but, the proof is in the pudding. Look no further than Ramadan, an observance established by bin Laden, in which participating individuals refrain from eating and drinking in excess. It's called fasting, a term created to mock fast food enterprises. Sadly, cupcakes are forbidden.

Nevertheless, I have found a way to appease bin Laden and the terrorists. We must devise a nationwide initiative focused on anti-obesity. Thankfully, Michelle Obama already has a plan in motion. Nothing beats forcing a plan of action down the public's throat (irony). What an adrenaline rush! If you ask me, bin Laden and Obama are in cahoots. But that's just if you ask me. I'm not a conspiracy theorist, but this is fishy (fish are a healthy source of protein, by the way). It's quite obvious, really. Osama? Obama? Do you think that's merely a coincidence? Hardly.

Okay, that's enough talk concerning the eradication of fatties. The third circle of Hell also refers to gluttony as self-indulgence, representing the cold and selfish. Even though I am guilty of all sins found within the nine circles of Hell, gluttony characterizes me the least. What a load off my mind. Ya know, I'm feeling good right now. We should celebrate by throwing a party. And let's not stop there, we can have a feast! Yeah! Plenty of food and drink for all. It will be out of this world.

The foul stench is beginning to overtake me, let's proceed to the fourth circle.

The Second Circle of Hell


Souls overcome by lust are blown about to and fro by the winds of a violent storm. The only conclusion I can draw is that the second circle is full of weathermen. Yes, the same idiots that broadcast in hurricane-force winds. Think about it. Weathermen, by nature, are nerdy. This puts them in a league apart from beautiful women. And since every man desires women of the highest caliber, they have to resort to pornography to satisfy their needs. In other words, lust.

Men of all ages occupy the second circle as well. Your grandfather? Yep. Your kid brother? Mhmm. You? Most definitely. Much can be said but I'll refrain. It's all common knowledge by now. First, there's the puberty episode. Then, comes the desire to screw every living thing that moves. That about sums up our existence.

Oh, and I didn't forget about women. They are not as guilt-free as you might expect. The fairer sex has fantasies too. Colorful, elaborate fantasies which may or may not contain Fabio. Now this may come as a shock to most of you, but believe me, it is fact. Women watch pornography and touch themselves. I'm sorry, but it's time you knew. They haven't been innocent since taking a bite of the forbidden fruit. I don't know if it's because they are often mislead by "snakes" or if they just crave all of the knowledge in the world. Regardless, keep an eye on them, and I don't mean that in a lustful sense.

We are all guilty of lust, it's mankind's greatest folly. For instance, wars have begun because of lust. Coincidentally, Helen of Troy and Paris are both in the second circle of Hell. Such is the power of lust.

As the Internet's beacon of shining light, and your guide on this journey, I suggest we move on.

The First Circle of Hell

Just as Dante Alighieri ventured through Hell, so shall we. Our journey begins with the first level of Hell.


In my eyes, this is the worst possible fate. You are basically in an ever-present state of boredom. If you thought boredom was awful here on earth, can you imagine being bored for all of eternity? I'd torture myself just to have something to do. I know the devil is a prick, but the least he could do is provide some Nerf guns. Maybe even throw a parade on MLK Day. And would it kill him to show a movie once in a while?

Besides not having anything to do, Limbo is a very depressing place. Souls in Limbo grieve because of their separation from God. I've tried grieving and it's not what I would call a good time. Likewise, depression is nothing new, people have been dealing with it for ages (mostly with medicine and guns). Unfortunately, Hell doesn't have a pharmacy. You can't stroll in and request a prescription of Zoloft. Now that is depressing. What if there is a medical emergency? I don't think Hell adheres to the proper health and safety codes. They are lucky the fire marshal hasn't come in and shut them down. Although, I suppose they have the original fire marshal, and if he says it's okay then so be it.

On the bright side, which is probably more dull than bright, you can meet a lot of people who greatly influenced the world. The likes of Homer, Socrates, Aristotle, Euclid and Caesar are present. To be honest though, I would probably ignore Euclid. I've never been that fond of math and he seems like the kind of guy who would bore you to tears with theorems. No, I don't understand the relationship between x and y. There's always that one guy, the outcast. People don't associate with him for obvious reasons. Euclid is that guy.

I think we've overstayed our welcome. Let's continue our descent into the depths of Hell. Hold on tight, our next stop is the second circle.

Here's Johnny!

I decided that it was about time I made a foolhardy attempt at creating my own bucket list. Before you read it, keep the popular Adidas slogan in mind; "Impossible Is Nothing".

1. achieve weightlessness
2. fly with the Blue Angels
3. skydive solo
4. bungee jump
5. climb a mountain
6. run a marathon
7. bike across America
8. partake in extreme sports
9. visit every US state, Europe, New Zealand, and the Wonders of the World
10. attend the Olympics or World Cup
11. attend a Playboy Mansion party
12. enter the prestigious mile high club
13. learn another language
14. live in another country
15. marry an Aussi with a trust fund
16. acquire a pilot's license
17. become a certified diver
18. write a novel and have it published
19. write a screenplay for a film
20. earn a six figure salary

You might have said, "I'll believe that when my shit turns purple and smells like rainbow sherbet". Okay, ye of little faith. It could happen. Anything is possible when hell freezes over, and it might just have to for me to pull this off!

Roses Are Red

I love awkward moments. They exemplify all that is inherently human. What some cultures see as normal, others find socially awkward. Furthermore, learning about subtle nuances between cultures is gratifying. Ah, but this is not a class on Sociology, forgive me. When you go off on a tangent it's a reminder that you are becoming elderly.

Because awkward situations happen to each and every one of us, it's only fair that I share a few of my experiences. And since I have a boring life, I'll include other instances of awkwardness as well. True or not, my principle concern is entertainment. Alas, it's time we begin. Please keep your arms and legs inside the vehicle at all times.

This is awkward.

Suppose you're on a date with your boyfriend and the evening is concluding. Without warning, he whips "it" out. Afterwards, the dialogue between you and your friend might go a little like this.

FRIEND: So you were talking, you're having a pleasant conversation, then all of a sudden…

YOU: Yeah.


YOU: It.


YOU: Out.

But wait, there's more!

Being at a fast food restaurant and having a fat, acne ridden cashier stare at you while you eat.

Letting one go in a public area and people talking about its vile nature.

While on a family vacation, driving and noticing the van next to you playing a porno over the built-in screens.

An elderly relative dropping the n-word in front of black people while in public and everyone noticing.

People with the Napoleon Complex, like Kim Jong-il (you think Lil' Kim has a "grabber"?). Moreover, seeing a dwarf try to reach an item that's high on a shelf.

College dormitory potluck choosing an Atheist and a Christian to room together.

Jaywalking in front of a cop who is carefully eyeing you (in the case of Seattle, getting punched in the face).

Wearing a Team Coco shirt while being interviewed on Jay Leno's segment Jaywalking.

Premature jubilation and feeling humiliated after everything is resolved.

Walking in on your parents doing the nasty.

While barhopping, you and your friends unintentionally walk into a gay bar.

The birds and the bees talk after your parents discovered your recent internet searches.

Getting carded in front of your friends when seeing an R-rated movie and you're over 21.

Having a guest speaker with a military background yell at you to stay awake during a presentation in front of your peers.

Such is life. This is why I cherish every moment of humanity. All of it is entertaining in some way, shape, or form. Once again, I ask that you share your stories and experiences. Do not hesitate, call now!