The Third Circle of Hell


Terrorists are right about infidels going to Hell. Americans are some of the most gluttonous people on the face of the earth. It's no wonder that they obsess over us. I believe that their resentment primarily stems from leadership. Osama bin Laden to be exact. See, bin Laden was the fat kid in school. To end his shame, he has been on a crusade to eradicate fat people, namely Americans. What infuriates him above all else are cupcakes. One man was even beheaded for offering bin Laden a cupcake with pink frosting and sprinkles.

There is no other explanation for his hate of Americans. Pardon the culinary expression, but, the proof is in the pudding. Look no further than Ramadan, an observance established by bin Laden, in which participating individuals refrain from eating and drinking in excess. It's called fasting, a term created to mock fast food enterprises. Sadly, cupcakes are forbidden.

Nevertheless, I have found a way to appease bin Laden and the terrorists. We must devise a nationwide initiative focused on anti-obesity. Thankfully, Michelle Obama already has a plan in motion. Nothing beats forcing a plan of action down the public's throat (irony). What an adrenaline rush! If you ask me, bin Laden and Obama are in cahoots. But that's just if you ask me. I'm not a conspiracy theorist, but this is fishy (fish are a healthy source of protein, by the way). It's quite obvious, really. Osama? Obama? Do you think that's merely a coincidence? Hardly.

Okay, that's enough talk concerning the eradication of fatties. The third circle of Hell also refers to gluttony as self-indulgence, representing the cold and selfish. Even though I am guilty of all sins found within the nine circles of Hell, gluttony characterizes me the least. What a load off my mind. Ya know, I'm feeling good right now. We should celebrate by throwing a party. And let's not stop there, we can have a feast! Yeah! Plenty of food and drink for all. It will be out of this world.

The foul stench is beginning to overtake me, let's proceed to the fourth circle.


Emily said...

I am SO gluttonous it's unreal. Just in the sense that I eat and eat and eat until I suddenly realise I've just eaten a 10 course meal.

Funny blog!!

Matt said...

I too am guilty of this. Thanks for the read!

Sabrina S said...

Fasting (Ramadan) is one of the pillars of Islam - has not a thing to do with Bin Laden, other than that he might observe it.

Matt said...

Yes, I know. In real life this is true, but not here.

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