The Eighth Circle of Hell


Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to venture through the Malebolge. I don't have to stress the importance of this matter. As always, should you or any member of your IM force be caught or killed, we will disavow all knowledge of your actions. Good luck.

The fraudulent are located within the Malebolge, or evil ditches. By definition, fraudulence involves deception. The spies I idolize reside here due to this. Ethan Hunt, as referenced above, and more importantly, James Bond. Let's be fair though, Timothy Dalton probably deserves to be in Hell.

Bolgia 1

Panderers (pimps) and seducers march for all of eternity while being whipped by demons. It's not all bad. Occasionally, demons are laughing too hard to whip. This is because of Katt Williams. His antics make life here somewhat tolerable.

Bolgia 2

Flatterers exploit others and are steeped in human excrement. Much like the incident Tucker Max wrote about. I call that foreshadow, and no, they don't serve beer in Hell.

Bolgia 3

Simony refers to those who tried to buy or sell positions within the church. Well, the government may as well be America's church, which means that Rod Blagojevich is going to have his head buried in a rock. Just like the time he buried his head when learning law.

Bolgia 4

Mickey Mouse and Nicolas Cage are the most notable sorcerers here. Unfortunately, the two are not fond of each other. Mickey is upset because Nicolas Cage helped portray a mockery of Mickey's 'Fantasia'. He has a point.

Bolgia 5

Richard Nixon is the most prominent politician immersed within the lake of boiling pitch. With him are several BP executives. I suppose that would explain the lake full of petroleum-derived pitch. What surprises me most is the fact that politicians don't have a circle of Hell devoted to them alone. The only requirement would be having a body that was flabby, pasty-skinned, and riddled with phlebitis.

Bolgia 6

Hipstercrites are weighed down by their gilded lead cloaks, which represent the falsity behind the surface appearance of their actions. Even in Hell they have to make a fashion statement and be independent from the norm. To that I say good riddance, which also happens to be the title of a mainstream song that hipsters hate.

Bolgia 7

It seems as though Danny Ocean and his team are at it again, but this time in Hell. Other noteworthy thieves include Catherine Zeta-Jones and Sean Connery. Connery is not tormented like the others, though. His voice creates a calming peace which has won him favor with the centaur guard. Actually, he finds Hell rather relaxing.

Bolgia 8

Fraudulent advisers and evil councillors are concealed within individual flames. To no surprise, Dark Lords of the Sith are found here. Emperor Palpatine will finally answer for his manipulation in turning Anakin Skywalker to the dark side. Everything is proceeding as I have foreseen.

Bolgia 9

Those who ripped asunder the community are punished here. A demon hacks at the sowers of discord, dividing parts of their bodies like they divided others in life. Elephants and donkeys are in agreement for the first time now that they share the same misery.

Bolgia 10

Counterfeiters, perjurers, and other falsifiers make up the last Bolgia. Which of course means that Leonardo DiCaprio and Barry Bonds are present. Both of whom were caught. Even if you are clever enough to escape punishment on earth, you will find it here several times over.

Our journey is nearly complete now that the last circle lies ahead of us.


theTsaritsa said...

What did Leo Dio ever do???

Matt said...

He was a counterfeiter who eluded Tom Hanks for quite some time.

TbR said...

If I were a centaur, I think I would find it difficult to torment Connery. I think Satan should nip this in the bud though - if Sean gets too calming the balance of all the circles could be thrown off.

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