The Ninth Circle of Hell


We are now among the traitors of men whose treachery knows no bounds. Wait, this can't be. Someone was here prior to our arrival, look at the tracks. Over there! It looks like some kind of tunneling device. Why anyone would tunnel into the core of the earth is beyond me. Is that Aaron Eckhart I see? It is. He must have become frozen in the ice after his betrayal of Gotham City. Whatever the case, it's not our concern.

For being in the center of the earth I was expecting it to be a little less frigid. Do you remember what I told you in the seventh circle? It seems as though Lucifer hasn't found a replacement energy company for Enron. That would definitely explain the lack of warmth.

We are very close. All we have to do is pass through the concentric circles and then climb down Lucifer's back. Afterwards, we will emerge in the other hemisphere. The cartoons were right about digging to China after all. Maybe that was Aaron Eckhart's initial intention?

Circle 1

The first circle is named after Frederico Corleone. Fredo betrayed is brother Michael when he was approached by an agent of Hyman Roth. As painful as it is to have to say this, it must be said. Traitors should be brought to justice, even if it means turning them into human Popsicles. It breaks my heart.

Circle 2

This circle is named Alexanora, after Alexander "Alec" Trevelyan (006). He betrayed MI6 and his close friend, James Bond. Trevelyan's motive was brought about by the death of his parents and was further fueled by Bond's handling of the Arkhangelsk mission. Upon learning of Alec's betrayal, I guess you could say that Bond was shaken, not stirred.

Circle 3

A wizard should know better! Saruman, however, allowed power to corrupt him and turned on his friends by allying himself with Sauron. That is why the third circle is named Sarumaea. Even when offered a chance at redemption he rejected it, as is often the case with those here.

Circle 4

The ultimate betrayal took place a long time ago in a galaxy far, far away, and forever changed mankind's history. Anecca, as it's called, references the most powerful Jedi in history, Anakin Skywalker. Many believed that he was the chosen one, who would bring balance to the Force. Regrettably, he fell to the dark side in an effort to save the love of his life. It seems in his anger, he killed her. Tragic irony.

Imprisoned in the center of Hell is Lucifer, who weeps at his plight. We must carefully climb down, lest we disturb this beast.

At last, it is done. I have now led you to Hell and back. Are you hungry? Me too. I've heard good things about this P.F. Chang fellow. If you buy, I'll consider us even.

Our journey is complete, but our quest is only beginning . . .


Martin said...

Fun series to read, Matt. I have to say, I was hoping we would meet Lucifer.

Matt said...

Thank you, sir.

theTsaritsa said...

Why is Lucifer such a crybaby? I was expecting to see him chopping off the tongues of the damned. Even the Southpark Satan is tougher!

Matt said...

I should have mentioned his love life with Saddam Hussein. Maybe that's why he's crying?

TbR said...

I'm gutted that Hell's finished. It's my favourite - not to live in or be condemned to, obviously, but out of the three canticas. That said, you could make Purgatory and Paradise interesting where my lecturer didn't.

Matt said...

I intend to finish the classic at some point in the future. I'm not sure when, though. That's actually why I put the corny last line in.

Paige said...

Be careful i heard they cook rats @ P.F. Chang

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