The Seventh Circle of Hell


Imagine a world without violence, what would it be like? I suppose it would be a bit more cute, fluffy, and adorable (gay marriage would probably be legal too). Well, I know cute and adorable, I see it in the mirror every day. Can it really replace the satisfaction you get from seeing C-4 take out an entire building floor? Or watching a fellow named Hans Gruber fall from the 30th floor of said building? While you ride a unicorn in a pink bunny suit, I'll be totin' a bag full of weapons and a stupid rope, just like Charlie Bronson.

The seventh circle of Hell has three rings, again, like Charles Bronson. Coincidence? The outer ring houses those who were violent against people and property, suicides are located within the middle, and the inner ring hosts blasphemers. Its shape is similar to a crop circle, but with no relation to a certain alcoholic. Swing away.

Outer Ring

Nessus will guide us along the river of boiling blood and across a ford (Found On the River Dead). Ironically, the witch that tried to boil Hansel is boiling here. A distant ancestor of Hans Gruber perhaps? Watch this. Hey Alexander, Cleopatra wasn't as hot as you made her seem!

Middle Ring

As it turns out, Hell requires a lot of energy to sustain its operations. Since Enron went under, the devil has not been able to find a suitable replacement. His only option was to do more with less and go green. Due to this, suicides are transformed into thorny bushes and trees; environmentalism at its finest. Unfortunately, they also look tasty and are fed on by harpies, who were originally vegans.

Inner Ring

In the desert of flaming sand lie the blasphemers, sodomites, and usurers. It appears as though they are blocking our path. Stay here for a moment, I'll scare them off. Quick, hurry! The Sand People are easily startled but they'll soon be back, and in greater numbers.

Geryon will help us descend the cliff down to the eighth circle.


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