Kali Ma! Kali Ma!

If I were to wish upon a star, I would enthusiastically demand from the heavens that Mike Rowe narrate my life. Unless, of course, it's a dirty job. I wasn't built for manual labor. Certain individuals were. You will likely find them at the corner of Home Depot. Just kidding.

Okay, now that I have your attention let's begin. I don't know about you, but I get tired of answering questions. What is this? Who is that? Look, all of the information you demand is on the internet (so is porn). Al Gore invented the internet so you wouldn't have to ask me about every menial thing (but mostly for porn).

One word: Google. If you are unsure about anything just consult Google (I put this in here just for you, mom). I do this on a regular basis. As you might guess, the end result is learning. Not only is it easy, but it's convenient. Win-win.

Google is taking over the world. Embrace it. And don't worry, they'll be gentle. I for one am honored to have lived in such an era. If you haven't noticed, I need a job. Please, Google, hear my prayers. By the way, I'm not actually praying to Google. I'm writing this so I don't have to explain to my relatives that I don't actually believe in a search engine. It would make a nice backup plan though if this other doesn't work out. Again, joking.

I'm your regular Bob Hope, just without the laughter, career, and adoration of fans worldwide. I do have one thing going for me though, I'm not dead.

Finally, a Public Service Announcement for white people everywhere: please stop saying chyeah. Thank you.