Livin' On A Prayer

"Have you ever seen a man so lazy that he shit in his bed and shoved it out with his feet?" I was blessed with the opportunity to hear this quote firsthand. If you have a chance to do the same, I highly recommend it. Caution: unstable laughing may occur. You have been warned.

If you were wondering, the fellow mentioned above is not me. Because I am honest I'll tell you the truth. Not a Clinton truth, THE truth, as stated in Merriam-Webster. Okay, brace yourself. I have been told that I am lazy. Yes, me. It only happened once, twice, or a dozen times. A bit hard to remember, I guess, since I'm really old now. Looking back, the people slandering me were relatives. In other parts of the world (Louisiana) they are known as traitors. The fact that family is biased makes this evidence against me circumstantial at best. And since nobody else has come forward, I am clearly innocent of being deemed lazy. Who says our judicial system doesn't work?

In any case, I refuse to believe that I am lazy. I just don't like doing things that I find dull or troublesome. That's not lazy. That is called being a selective worker. Since I made that up I am entitled to all royalties hereafter. But you, dear reader, may use my phrase. Just remember me when you "make it big". I'll be waiting (especially if you're a rich white girl).

I may not be one of them, but I know many who are infected with "The Lazy". The L-virus is very contagious. Make sure you sanitize your hands on a daily basis (especially after visiting fast food restaurants). You don't have to worry about catching the virus during sex, though. The infected do not participate in such activities. House zombies, HZs for short, are found indoors due to the following:

(1) World of Warcraft - This is responsible for the largest number of HZs on the planet. Efforts to relocate house zombies to reservations within the realms of Warcraft have failed on numerous occasions.

(2) Sunlight - Like vampires, the sunlight has a crippling effect on HZs. Half-breeds, however, can venture outside at their will. They are also known as daywalkers. Sometimes, daywalkers are mistakenly identified as gingers.

(3) Sandworms - The only known footage of sandworms was captured by Tim Burton while working on the film Beetlejuice. HZs by nature do not like risks. They are more likely to stay indoors because of their fear of sandworms.

(4) Marijuana - HZs often partake in a mind-numbing activity known as "taking a hit". The effects are minimal on normal people, but exponentially increased for those of the house zombie populous.

(5) Delivery Men - The only nourishment HZs receive is what is brought to them by delivery men (the exception being daywalkers). Lured in with promises of greenbacks, delivery men are the key to HZ survival. Needless to say, when this food source diminishes, HZs are all but starved out.

**Beware of houseless zombies (HLZs). They are a rare breed often found under bridges. The L-virus is fueled by alcohol, paint fumes, and cleaning solvents. HLZs cannot be cured and are past recovery.

As you can see, laziness is not something to be trifled with. If you or someone you love has been infected, please do not hesitate to get the help that you need. It will change your life. And remember, I am fighting for you and your recovery, so feel free to share your success stories here.


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