Serenity Now

Based on a true story. An old man is checking out at the local store when a cashier captures his attention with a tattoo of a rose on her breast. In his deep Texan accent he says, "that's a pretty rose". Unexpectedly, she pulls down her shirt showing the full tattoo and even more cleavage. Wide eyed and gazing, he responds with, "that's a beautiful rose".

Well played, sir.

Expression is wonderfully unique to each and every individual. It's what separates us from monkeys. That and the fact that most of us don't throw feces. Most of us. I say this because some of you may be a bit "off balance". No need to fret, you're okay in my book. After all, you are reading my blog. In the event that it was my writing that made you insane, just know that I am truly sorry. I respectfully request that you bring me back a straitjacket. It's the least you could do, really. I think we're at the point in our relationship when we can start bringing each other souvenirs.

Our topic of discussion today will focus on tattoos. I apologize for the redundant redundancy. Some people are not fond of context clues.

As you might guess, tattoos are classified into three categories. The good, the bad, and the ugly. Literally. I for one am not against tattoos, if properly thought out. Unfortunately, not everyone feels the same way I do and it shows. I'm not here to mother you or berate your so-called originality, but I ask that you think it over before going under the needle. And for the love of everything holy, please don't show up drunk. Do you really want a big, hairy penis on your biceps? I'm sure chicks will "dig it". "Oh, that's not a dick, it's a geoduck…see?" It's okay if you had to Google geoduck, I wasn't sure of the correct spelling myself. Also, if you decide to get a tattoo, get one that will look good when you become old and wrinkly. I suggest curvy lines.

The Good: Tattoos that are planned out and serve a purpose. For example, remembering a loved one. Anything significant in a person's life is also okay. It's great when a tattoo represents someone or something on a deeply personal level and has a story accompanying it. Spiritual and religious tattoos are fine, as long as they don't paint the beliefs in a negative light. Rites of passage are perfectly acceptable too. Examples of those could be military or cultural tattoos.

The Bad: Ah yes, the fabled tramp stamp. It might as well be a bullseye. Oh, you'll get the attention you want, but it's not the right kind of attention. Nothing screams "I'm easy" or "I missed out on a few hugs" like a tattoo on your lower back. And guys, don't get some lady with massive jugs just because you're horny. We get it, you don't have to prove a point (please don't actually reveal your point). 18-year-olds listen up. You are of age and I respect that. However, you shouldn't get a tattoo because you want to rebel against the establishment (I wrote this mostly for hipsters). Grow up a little first, then think about it. I'm sure you will change your mind.

The Ugly: These are typically absurd, appalling, and completely outrageous. And some don't even look good, they look like they were done inside of a prison yard. Actually, that may not be far from the truth. Chances are you know someone with a tattoo like this. When they asked you what you thought, did you gag a little? Don't worry, this is perfectly normal. It means that you're not an idiot. Now please, please, please hear me out. Your face might have skin, but it is NOT a canvas. None of that makes you "cool". It makes you a dumbass who gets posted on the internet. The internet is reserved for porn, not your ugly face. I'm all for reproduction, but some people need to be "fixed". Even if it is against the law.

I'm sorry if I was a bit forceful in my writing. I'll get off the soapbox now.


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