The Fifth Circle of Hell

Wrath and Sullenness

I hope you brought a life jacket. In a short while we will be crossing the river Styx, and I don't think you want to fall in. It's comparable to a Louisiana marsh, but instead of creepy crawlies there are people who forgot to take swimming lessons. Hold on, let me find out what the problem is.

Wait just a minute Phlegyas, are you kidding me? You want us to travel across Styx in a rickety ol' dinghy? Having made it this far, we should at least have a yacht at our disposal. Oh, you're sorry. A lot of good that does us now. Does your apology come with hors d'oeuvres? Yes, it's french. Why are you laughing? I'm trying to make a point. Fine, let's go. So, is it always warm down here or is it seasonal?

The gurgling sounds you hear are from the sullen. They could find no joy in life, and are now condemned into a black sulkiness. The people on top of the surface are the wrathful. Hey, I know that guy! That jerk went to high school with me. I've been sayin' it. I've been sayin' it for ten damn years. Ain't I been sayin' it?

Oh my, will you look at that. It must be fight night! The atmosphere, it reminds me of Vegas. Is that? It is, it is! James Brown is singing while one of the fighters makes his entrance! Let's listen in.

In the blue corner, the former heavyweight champion of the world, the Dancing Destroyer, the King of Sting, the Count of Monte Fisto, the Master of Disaster, the one and only, Apollo Creed!

In the red corner, gold medalist and undefeated world amateur champion from the Soviet Union, the Siberian Bull, Ivan Drago!

I see why this fight was dubbed "Fight of the Afterlife". It's a shame we have to keep moving. If only our "yacht" had Pay-Per-View. What's that, Phlegyas? No, I didn't hear about Chuck Norris. Is that so? Apparently the devil made Chuck Norris sign a waiver forbidding him from entering Hell. Our friend Phlegyas says that the devil was petrified of what might happen if Chuck took up residence here. My guess is that he would have taken over within a week.

Ah, we have finally arrived at Dis. For the next circle, you might want to bring a fire extinguisher.

3 comments:

theTsaritsa said...

I'm okay with that fact that I'll probably end up in Hell. All the cool people end up there, anyway.

Sadako said...

Is the modern day version of the wrathful/sullen those who listen to the Smiths/Cure, aging goth kids, and the like?

Matt said...

Without a doubt. I'm ashamed of having left that out.

Post a Comment