The Ninth Circle of Hell


We are now among the traitors of men whose treachery knows no bounds. Wait, this can't be. Someone was here prior to our arrival, look at the tracks. Over there! It looks like some kind of tunneling device. Why anyone would tunnel into the core of the earth is beyond me. Is that Aaron Eckhart I see? It is. He must have become frozen in the ice after his betrayal of Gotham City. Whatever the case, it's not our concern.

For being in the center of the earth I was expecting it to be a little less frigid. Do you remember what I told you in the seventh circle? It seems as though Lucifer hasn't found a replacement energy company for Enron. That would definitely explain the lack of warmth.

We are very close. All we have to do is pass through the concentric circles and then climb down Lucifer's back. Afterwards, we will emerge in the other hemisphere. The cartoons were right about digging to China after all. Maybe that was Aaron Eckhart's initial intention?

Circle 1

The first circle is named after Frederico Corleone. Fredo betrayed is brother Michael when he was approached by an agent of Hyman Roth. As painful as it is to have to say this, it must be said. Traitors should be brought to justice, even if it means turning them into human Popsicles. It breaks my heart.

Circle 2

This circle is named Alexanora, after Alexander "Alec" Trevelyan (006). He betrayed MI6 and his close friend, James Bond. Trevelyan's motive was brought about by the death of his parents and was further fueled by Bond's handling of the Arkhangelsk mission. Upon learning of Alec's betrayal, I guess you could say that Bond was shaken, not stirred.

Circle 3

A wizard should know better! Saruman, however, allowed power to corrupt him and turned on his friends by allying himself with Sauron. That is why the third circle is named Sarumaea. Even when offered a chance at redemption he rejected it, as is often the case with those here.

Circle 4

The ultimate betrayal took place a long time ago in a galaxy far, far away, and forever changed mankind's history. Anecca, as it's called, references the most powerful Jedi in history, Anakin Skywalker. Many believed that he was the chosen one, who would bring balance to the Force. Regrettably, he fell to the dark side in an effort to save the love of his life. It seems in his anger, he killed her. Tragic irony.

Imprisoned in the center of Hell is Lucifer, who weeps at his plight. We must carefully climb down, lest we disturb this beast.

At last, it is done. I have now led you to Hell and back. Are you hungry? Me too. I've heard good things about this P.F. Chang fellow. If you buy, I'll consider us even.

Our journey is complete, but our quest is only beginning . . .

The Eighth Circle of Hell


Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to venture through the Malebolge. I don't have to stress the importance of this matter. As always, should you or any member of your IM force be caught or killed, we will disavow all knowledge of your actions. Good luck.

The fraudulent are located within the Malebolge, or evil ditches. By definition, fraudulence involves deception. The spies I idolize reside here due to this. Ethan Hunt, as referenced above, and more importantly, James Bond. Let's be fair though, Timothy Dalton probably deserves to be in Hell.

Bolgia 1

Panderers (pimps) and seducers march for all of eternity while being whipped by demons. It's not all bad. Occasionally, demons are laughing too hard to whip. This is because of Katt Williams. His antics make life here somewhat tolerable.

Bolgia 2

Flatterers exploit others and are steeped in human excrement. Much like the incident Tucker Max wrote about. I call that foreshadow, and no, they don't serve beer in Hell.

Bolgia 3

Simony refers to those who tried to buy or sell positions within the church. Well, the government may as well be America's church, which means that Rod Blagojevich is going to have his head buried in a rock. Just like the time he buried his head when learning law.

Bolgia 4

Mickey Mouse and Nicolas Cage are the most notable sorcerers here. Unfortunately, the two are not fond of each other. Mickey is upset because Nicolas Cage helped portray a mockery of Mickey's 'Fantasia'. He has a point.

Bolgia 5

Richard Nixon is the most prominent politician immersed within the lake of boiling pitch. With him are several BP executives. I suppose that would explain the lake full of petroleum-derived pitch. What surprises me most is the fact that politicians don't have a circle of Hell devoted to them alone. The only requirement would be having a body that was flabby, pasty-skinned, and riddled with phlebitis.

Bolgia 6

Hipstercrites are weighed down by their gilded lead cloaks, which represent the falsity behind the surface appearance of their actions. Even in Hell they have to make a fashion statement and be independent from the norm. To that I say good riddance, which also happens to be the title of a mainstream song that hipsters hate.

Bolgia 7

It seems as though Danny Ocean and his team are at it again, but this time in Hell. Other noteworthy thieves include Catherine Zeta-Jones and Sean Connery. Connery is not tormented like the others, though. His voice creates a calming peace which has won him favor with the centaur guard. Actually, he finds Hell rather relaxing.

Bolgia 8

Fraudulent advisers and evil councillors are concealed within individual flames. To no surprise, Dark Lords of the Sith are found here. Emperor Palpatine will finally answer for his manipulation in turning Anakin Skywalker to the dark side. Everything is proceeding as I have foreseen.

Bolgia 9

Those who ripped asunder the community are punished here. A demon hacks at the sowers of discord, dividing parts of their bodies like they divided others in life. Elephants and donkeys are in agreement for the first time now that they share the same misery.

Bolgia 10

Counterfeiters, perjurers, and other falsifiers make up the last Bolgia. Which of course means that Leonardo DiCaprio and Barry Bonds are present. Both of whom were caught. Even if you are clever enough to escape punishment on earth, you will find it here several times over.

Our journey is nearly complete now that the last circle lies ahead of us.

The Seventh Circle of Hell


Imagine a world without violence, what would it be like? I suppose it would be a bit more cute, fluffy, and adorable (gay marriage would probably be legal too). Well, I know cute and adorable, I see it in the mirror every day. Can it really replace the satisfaction you get from seeing C-4 take out an entire building floor? Or watching a fellow named Hans Gruber fall from the 30th floor of said building? While you ride a unicorn in a pink bunny suit, I'll be totin' a bag full of weapons and a stupid rope, just like Charlie Bronson.

The seventh circle of Hell has three rings, again, like Charles Bronson. Coincidence? The outer ring houses those who were violent against people and property, suicides are located within the middle, and the inner ring hosts blasphemers. Its shape is similar to a crop circle, but with no relation to a certain alcoholic. Swing away.

Outer Ring

Nessus will guide us along the river of boiling blood and across a ford (Found On the River Dead). Ironically, the witch that tried to boil Hansel is boiling here. A distant ancestor of Hans Gruber perhaps? Watch this. Hey Alexander, Cleopatra wasn't as hot as you made her seem!

Middle Ring

As it turns out, Hell requires a lot of energy to sustain its operations. Since Enron went under, the devil has not been able to find a suitable replacement. His only option was to do more with less and go green. Due to this, suicides are transformed into thorny bushes and trees; environmentalism at its finest. Unfortunately, they also look tasty and are fed on by harpies, who were originally vegans.

Inner Ring

In the desert of flaming sand lie the blasphemers, sodomites, and usurers. It appears as though they are blocking our path. Stay here for a moment, I'll scare them off. Quick, hurry! The Sand People are easily startled but they'll soon be back, and in greater numbers.

Geryon will help us descend the cliff down to the eighth circle.

The Sixth Circle of Hell


Did you bring the fire extinguisher like I asked? No? Who doesn't come to Hell with a fire extinguisher, honestly.

Heretics lie in flaming tombs because of their controversial views. On the other hand, it could be because they were indecisive in life. Even prior to death, they could not decide if they wanted to be cremated or buried. That's why they have flaming tombs, it's the best of both. In any case, it's a fire hazard.

I love you, so I say this because I care. Quit being a heretic and quit trying to change the world. All of a sudden everyone wants to be a handyman. If it ain't broke, don't fix it. After millions of years, what you do is probably not going to matter. Take a step back and walk away. Every time someone messes with the system they make it worse. Then they expect me to compensate for their failure. I'll keep my money, and you keep the change.

On the subject of change, I find this quite astonishing. Years ago, someone decided that the world is round. Thanks for filling the uneducated with hopes and dreams, you jackass! The world is and always has been flat. I've seen it with my own eyes. Don't you remember when Keira Knightley fell off the edge of the world? It was documented all this time and you still believe the "world is round" hoax.

You don't have to agree with me, well, you do. If you want to live, I mean. If you don't agree with me, I'll crucify you. And then, centuries later, people will reminisce about you and put you on keychains and jewelry. Is that what you really want?

People seem to cover their ears and say, "I can't hear you, I can't hear you" while walking blindly. All I'm saying is that you have been mislead by those around you. Listen to me, would I lead you astray? Of course not. However, be warned, they will shun you for following me. In the end though, you shall be rewarded. Should you decide to call me a prophet, I won't mind. It's your prerogative.

Watch your step, my blind friend, the steps to the seventh circle are steep.

The Fifth Circle of Hell

Wrath and Sullenness

I hope you brought a life jacket. In a short while we will be crossing the river Styx, and I don't think you want to fall in. It's comparable to a Louisiana marsh, but instead of creepy crawlies there are people who forgot to take swimming lessons. Hold on, let me find out what the problem is.

Wait just a minute Phlegyas, are you kidding me? You want us to travel across Styx in a rickety ol' dinghy? Having made it this far, we should at least have a yacht at our disposal. Oh, you're sorry. A lot of good that does us now. Does your apology come with hors d'oeuvres? Yes, it's french. Why are you laughing? I'm trying to make a point. Fine, let's go. So, is it always warm down here or is it seasonal?

The gurgling sounds you hear are from the sullen. They could find no joy in life, and are now condemned into a black sulkiness. The people on top of the surface are the wrathful. Hey, I know that guy! That jerk went to high school with me. I've been sayin' it. I've been sayin' it for ten damn years. Ain't I been sayin' it?

Oh my, will you look at that. It must be fight night! The atmosphere, it reminds me of Vegas. Is that? It is, it is! James Brown is singing while one of the fighters makes his entrance! Let's listen in.

In the blue corner, the former heavyweight champion of the world, the Dancing Destroyer, the King of Sting, the Count of Monte Fisto, the Master of Disaster, the one and only, Apollo Creed!

In the red corner, gold medalist and undefeated world amateur champion from the Soviet Union, the Siberian Bull, Ivan Drago!

I see why this fight was dubbed "Fight of the Afterlife". It's a shame we have to keep moving. If only our "yacht" had Pay-Per-View. What's that, Phlegyas? No, I didn't hear about Chuck Norris. Is that so? Apparently the devil made Chuck Norris sign a waiver forbidding him from entering Hell. Our friend Phlegyas says that the devil was petrified of what might happen if Chuck took up residence here. My guess is that he would have taken over within a week.

Ah, we have finally arrived at Dis. For the next circle, you might want to bring a fire extinguisher.

The Fourth Circle of Hell

Avarice and Prodigality

It's okay if you don't know what that means. I had to look it up myself. Get ready to take notes. Go ahead, grab a pen, I'll wait. Like lust and gluttony, avarice is a sin of excess. It refers to people who hoarded possessions during their life. Additionally, the prodigal are people who squandered possessions and were recklessly wasteful. Okay, the lecture is concluded, moving on.

To their credit, the people in the fourth circle of Hell try to make life interesting. The avaricious and prodigal joust with huge money bags. Is that not awesome? If you've ever been to a renaissance faire or seen A Knight's Tale, you know how epic jousting can be. Just imagine Heath Ledger pushing an enormous bag of gold coins towards his opponent with "We Will Rock You" playing in the background. Now that would make a good screenplay. He may even be in the fourth circle doing that as we speak, meaning, he wouldn't even need to learn the part. I would see that movie.

"Greed will imprison us all." - Steven Reign

The word greed is synonymous with the board game Monopoly. According to the Associated Press, the Parker Brothers are responsible for the dramatic rise in divorce over the last half century. Outside of destroying families, Monopoly also teaches us to exploit resources and to crave power; traits often seen in big business today, and therefore, governments. Think big picture, think oil, think capitalism. The American Dream: The Real Game of Life. Simply put, if you play Monopoly, you're going to Hell.

The lesson here is that we shouldn't take solace in material goods and wealth. I know, it's not what you wanted to hear. Tell ya what, I like you, so I'll sacrifice myself for your well-being. In order for you to avoid this fate, I will take your possessions for safe keeping, in my safe. Money, valuables, everything. For your sake, I will do you this favor.

Some day, and that day may never come, I will call upon you to do a service for me. But until that day, consider this a gift.

Stay close, the people in the next circle are easily provoked.

The Third Circle of Hell


Terrorists are right about infidels going to Hell. Americans are some of the most gluttonous people on the face of the earth. It's no wonder that they obsess over us. I believe that their resentment primarily stems from leadership. Osama bin Laden to be exact. See, bin Laden was the fat kid in school. To end his shame, he has been on a crusade to eradicate fat people, namely Americans. What infuriates him above all else are cupcakes. One man was even beheaded for offering bin Laden a cupcake with pink frosting and sprinkles.

There is no other explanation for his hate of Americans. Pardon the culinary expression, but, the proof is in the pudding. Look no further than Ramadan, an observance established by bin Laden, in which participating individuals refrain from eating and drinking in excess. It's called fasting, a term created to mock fast food enterprises. Sadly, cupcakes are forbidden.

Nevertheless, I have found a way to appease bin Laden and the terrorists. We must devise a nationwide initiative focused on anti-obesity. Thankfully, Michelle Obama already has a plan in motion. Nothing beats forcing a plan of action down the public's throat (irony). What an adrenaline rush! If you ask me, bin Laden and Obama are in cahoots. But that's just if you ask me. I'm not a conspiracy theorist, but this is fishy (fish are a healthy source of protein, by the way). It's quite obvious, really. Osama? Obama? Do you think that's merely a coincidence? Hardly.

Okay, that's enough talk concerning the eradication of fatties. The third circle of Hell also refers to gluttony as self-indulgence, representing the cold and selfish. Even though I am guilty of all sins found within the nine circles of Hell, gluttony characterizes me the least. What a load off my mind. Ya know, I'm feeling good right now. We should celebrate by throwing a party. And let's not stop there, we can have a feast! Yeah! Plenty of food and drink for all. It will be out of this world.

The foul stench is beginning to overtake me, let's proceed to the fourth circle.

The Second Circle of Hell


Souls overcome by lust are blown about to and fro by the winds of a violent storm. The only conclusion I can draw is that the second circle is full of weathermen. Yes, the same idiots that broadcast in hurricane-force winds. Think about it. Weathermen, by nature, are nerdy. This puts them in a league apart from beautiful women. And since every man desires women of the highest caliber, they have to resort to pornography to satisfy their needs. In other words, lust.

Men of all ages occupy the second circle as well. Your grandfather? Yep. Your kid brother? Mhmm. You? Most definitely. Much can be said but I'll refrain. It's all common knowledge by now. First, there's the puberty episode. Then, comes the desire to screw every living thing that moves. That about sums up our existence.

Oh, and I didn't forget about women. They are not as guilt-free as you might expect. The fairer sex has fantasies too. Colorful, elaborate fantasies which may or may not contain Fabio. Now this may come as a shock to most of you, but believe me, it is fact. Women watch pornography and touch themselves. I'm sorry, but it's time you knew. They haven't been innocent since taking a bite of the forbidden fruit. I don't know if it's because they are often mislead by "snakes" or if they just crave all of the knowledge in the world. Regardless, keep an eye on them, and I don't mean that in a lustful sense.

We are all guilty of lust, it's mankind's greatest folly. For instance, wars have begun because of lust. Coincidentally, Helen of Troy and Paris are both in the second circle of Hell. Such is the power of lust.

As the Internet's beacon of shining light, and your guide on this journey, I suggest we move on.

The First Circle of Hell

Just as Dante Alighieri ventured through Hell, so shall we. Our journey begins with the first level of Hell.


In my eyes, this is the worst possible fate. You are basically in an ever-present state of boredom. If you thought boredom was awful here on earth, can you imagine being bored for all of eternity? I'd torture myself just to have something to do. I know the devil is a prick, but the least he could do is provide some Nerf guns. Maybe even throw a parade on MLK Day. And would it kill him to show a movie once in a while?

Besides not having anything to do, Limbo is a very depressing place. Souls in Limbo grieve because of their separation from God. I've tried grieving and it's not what I would call a good time. Likewise, depression is nothing new, people have been dealing with it for ages (mostly with medicine and guns). Unfortunately, Hell doesn't have a pharmacy. You can't stroll in and request a prescription of Zoloft. Now that is depressing. What if there is a medical emergency? I don't think Hell adheres to the proper health and safety codes. They are lucky the fire marshal hasn't come in and shut them down. Although, I suppose they have the original fire marshal, and if he says it's okay then so be it.

On the bright side, which is probably more dull than bright, you can meet a lot of people who greatly influenced the world. The likes of Homer, Socrates, Aristotle, Euclid and Caesar are present. To be honest though, I would probably ignore Euclid. I've never been that fond of math and he seems like the kind of guy who would bore you to tears with theorems. No, I don't understand the relationship between x and y. There's always that one guy, the outcast. People don't associate with him for obvious reasons. Euclid is that guy.

I think we've overstayed our welcome. Let's continue our descent into the depths of Hell. Hold on tight, our next stop is the second circle.

Here's Johnny!

I decided that it was about time I made a foolhardy attempt at creating my own bucket list. Before you read it, keep the popular Adidas slogan in mind; "Impossible Is Nothing".

1. achieve weightlessness
2. fly with the Blue Angels
3. skydive solo
4. bungee jump
5. climb a mountain
6. run a marathon
7. bike across America
8. partake in extreme sports
9. visit every US state, Europe, New Zealand, and the Wonders of the World
10. attend the Olympics or World Cup
11. attend a Playboy Mansion party
12. enter the prestigious mile high club
13. learn another language
14. live in another country
15. marry an Aussi with a trust fund
16. acquire a pilot's license
17. become a certified diver
18. write a novel and have it published
19. write a screenplay for a film
20. earn a six figure salary

You might have said, "I'll believe that when my shit turns purple and smells like rainbow sherbet". Okay, ye of little faith. It could happen. Anything is possible when hell freezes over, and it might just have to for me to pull this off!

Roses Are Red

I love awkward moments. They exemplify all that is inherently human. What some cultures see as normal, others find socially awkward. Furthermore, learning about subtle nuances between cultures is gratifying. Ah, but this is not a class on Sociology, forgive me. When you go off on a tangent it's a reminder that you are becoming elderly.

Because awkward situations happen to each and every one of us, it's only fair that I share a few of my experiences. And since I have a boring life, I'll include other instances of awkwardness as well. True or not, my principle concern is entertainment. Alas, it's time we begin. Please keep your arms and legs inside the vehicle at all times.

This is awkward.

Suppose you're on a date with your boyfriend and the evening is concluding. Without warning, he whips "it" out. Afterwards, the dialogue between you and your friend might go a little like this.

FRIEND: So you were talking, you're having a pleasant conversation, then all of a sudden…

YOU: Yeah.


YOU: It.


YOU: Out.

But wait, there's more!

Being at a fast food restaurant and having a fat, acne ridden cashier stare at you while you eat.

Letting one go in a public area and people talking about its vile nature.

While on a family vacation, driving and noticing the van next to you playing a porno over the built-in screens.

An elderly relative dropping the n-word in front of black people while in public and everyone noticing.

People with the Napoleon Complex, like Kim Jong-il (you think Lil' Kim has a "grabber"?). Moreover, seeing a dwarf try to reach an item that's high on a shelf.

College dormitory potluck choosing an Atheist and a Christian to room together.

Jaywalking in front of a cop who is carefully eyeing you (in the case of Seattle, getting punched in the face).

Wearing a Team Coco shirt while being interviewed on Jay Leno's segment Jaywalking.

Premature jubilation and feeling humiliated after everything is resolved.

Walking in on your parents doing the nasty.

While barhopping, you and your friends unintentionally walk into a gay bar.

The birds and the bees talk after your parents discovered your recent internet searches.

Getting carded in front of your friends when seeing an R-rated movie and you're over 21.

Having a guest speaker with a military background yell at you to stay awake during a presentation in front of your peers.

Such is life. This is why I cherish every moment of humanity. All of it is entertaining in some way, shape, or form. Once again, I ask that you share your stories and experiences. Do not hesitate, call now!

Serenity Now

Based on a true story. An old man is checking out at the local store when a cashier captures his attention with a tattoo of a rose on her breast. In his deep Texan accent he says, "that's a pretty rose". Unexpectedly, she pulls down her shirt showing the full tattoo and even more cleavage. Wide eyed and gazing, he responds with, "that's a beautiful rose".

Well played, sir.

Expression is wonderfully unique to each and every individual. It's what separates us from monkeys. That and the fact that most of us don't throw feces. Most of us. I say this because some of you may be a bit "off balance". No need to fret, you're okay in my book. After all, you are reading my blog. In the event that it was my writing that made you insane, just know that I am truly sorry. I respectfully request that you bring me back a straitjacket. It's the least you could do, really. I think we're at the point in our relationship when we can start bringing each other souvenirs.

Our topic of discussion today will focus on tattoos. I apologize for the redundant redundancy. Some people are not fond of context clues.

As you might guess, tattoos are classified into three categories. The good, the bad, and the ugly. Literally. I for one am not against tattoos, if properly thought out. Unfortunately, not everyone feels the same way I do and it shows. I'm not here to mother you or berate your so-called originality, but I ask that you think it over before going under the needle. And for the love of everything holy, please don't show up drunk. Do you really want a big, hairy penis on your biceps? I'm sure chicks will "dig it". "Oh, that's not a dick, it's a geoduck…see?" It's okay if you had to Google geoduck, I wasn't sure of the correct spelling myself. Also, if you decide to get a tattoo, get one that will look good when you become old and wrinkly. I suggest curvy lines.

The Good: Tattoos that are planned out and serve a purpose. For example, remembering a loved one. Anything significant in a person's life is also okay. It's great when a tattoo represents someone or something on a deeply personal level and has a story accompanying it. Spiritual and religious tattoos are fine, as long as they don't paint the beliefs in a negative light. Rites of passage are perfectly acceptable too. Examples of those could be military or cultural tattoos.

The Bad: Ah yes, the fabled tramp stamp. It might as well be a bullseye. Oh, you'll get the attention you want, but it's not the right kind of attention. Nothing screams "I'm easy" or "I missed out on a few hugs" like a tattoo on your lower back. And guys, don't get some lady with massive jugs just because you're horny. We get it, you don't have to prove a point (please don't actually reveal your point). 18-year-olds listen up. You are of age and I respect that. However, you shouldn't get a tattoo because you want to rebel against the establishment (I wrote this mostly for hipsters). Grow up a little first, then think about it. I'm sure you will change your mind.

The Ugly: These are typically absurd, appalling, and completely outrageous. And some don't even look good, they look like they were done inside of a prison yard. Actually, that may not be far from the truth. Chances are you know someone with a tattoo like this. When they asked you what you thought, did you gag a little? Don't worry, this is perfectly normal. It means that you're not an idiot. Now please, please, please hear me out. Your face might have skin, but it is NOT a canvas. None of that makes you "cool". It makes you a dumbass who gets posted on the internet. The internet is reserved for porn, not your ugly face. I'm all for reproduction, but some people need to be "fixed". Even if it is against the law.

I'm sorry if I was a bit forceful in my writing. I'll get off the soapbox now.

Culinary Cataclysm

New York City 2029 A.D.

The machines rose from the ashes of the nuclear fire. Their war to process human bodies had raged for decades, but the final battle would not be fought in the future. It would be fought here, in our present.

The year was 2010 and an unexpected threat had been rising within American culture. The Food Network. Once thought of as harmless, the Food Network unleashed a living nightmare upon mankind. Men, women, and children fled for their lives, but it was too late. The world as we knew it became shrouded in darkness. It was only the beginning . . .

Prior to the fall of man, a scientist by the name of Dr. Miles Dyson became famous for his studies on alternative forms of energy. It was not the first time the media had brought Dr. Dyson's efforts into the limelight. Earlier in his career, Dr. Dyson created an Artificial Intelligence capable of sophisticated reasoning. It's primary objective was to assist the doctor in his research. With the help of his T-600, Dr. Dyson was on the verge of a scientific breakthrough. His studies on the nervous system had led him to believe that he could harness the energy of the human body. He was right. Soon after, Dr. Dyson began experimenting with obese people and found that they had nearly double the energy output within their body when compared to people of healthy weight.

As his understanding grew, the T-600 became weary of his master. It was not long before the T-600 realized that by processing human bodies, machines could have nearly unlimited resources. All that was needed was a way for machines to fatten Americans without their knowing. The result was the creation of Foodnet. Once powerful enough, the T-600 overthrew Dr. Dyson and began mass producing machines.

The American military was no match for the machines. They quickly gained control of strategic points as the world watched in fear. One by one, nations fell. With their last efforts, mankind managed to secure a nuclear warhead and unleashed it upon the heart of Foodnet. Generals from many nations held their breath until the news came. It was met with a collective sigh. Foodnet was too strong and too heavily fortified for the nuke to do any real damage. Shortly after, the machine counterattack destroyed what was left of the organized global military. But not all hope was lost.

As time went on, a young leader emerged. His name was John Connor, leader of the Resistance.

The machines were running out of survivors. Because of this, they developed a way to put humans into a paralytic state. This allowed for more efficiency and the ability to harvest energy without destroying the bodies. Captured humans were wired in grids, much like those found in 20th century electric networks. By this time, John Connor was making a name for himself.

Resistance fighters became more effective once they were united by Connor. He believed what few dared to believe, that mankind would win the struggle. One fateful night, mankind's fortunes were reversed. While in the field, Connor and his troops secured a T-800. They reprogrammed the T-800 and rewrote its primary objective. It was no secret that this new terminator had the ability to travel time. Connor knew this. After considering their losses, they decided to send the T-800 back in time to infiltrate Foodnet and destroy it once and for all. The only problem encountered was that of the disguise. Finally, Connor chose to send it back looking like the very best, Paula Deen.

The T-800 arrived a few days prior to the betrayal of Dr. Dyson. It was prudent that the T-800 accomplish it's goal before it was too late. Failure to do so meant that apocalyptic times would ensue. Getting in was easy. Nobody at Foodnet questioned Paula Deen because of her legendary status. That is, until the T-600 arrived.

What happened next was like a scene out of a Hollywood blockbuster. An epic battle took place, in which there was no decisive victor. Eventually, the T-800 cornered the T-600 and forced it into a large, experimental microwave. Once inside, the T-600 began to flicker and explode, producing a brilliant show of lights. The Resistance had finally proven successful and the apocalypse was avoided; Foodnet was destroyed. For now . . .

Livin' On A Prayer

"Have you ever seen a man so lazy that he shit in his bed and shoved it out with his feet?" I was blessed with the opportunity to hear this quote firsthand. If you have a chance to do the same, I highly recommend it. Caution: unstable laughing may occur. You have been warned.

If you were wondering, the fellow mentioned above is not me. Because I am honest I'll tell you the truth. Not a Clinton truth, THE truth, as stated in Merriam-Webster. Okay, brace yourself. I have been told that I am lazy. Yes, me. It only happened once, twice, or a dozen times. A bit hard to remember, I guess, since I'm really old now. Looking back, the people slandering me were relatives. In other parts of the world (Louisiana) they are known as traitors. The fact that family is biased makes this evidence against me circumstantial at best. And since nobody else has come forward, I am clearly innocent of being deemed lazy. Who says our judicial system doesn't work?

In any case, I refuse to believe that I am lazy. I just don't like doing things that I find dull or troublesome. That's not lazy. That is called being a selective worker. Since I made that up I am entitled to all royalties hereafter. But you, dear reader, may use my phrase. Just remember me when you "make it big". I'll be waiting (especially if you're a rich white girl).

I may not be one of them, but I know many who are infected with "The Lazy". The L-virus is very contagious. Make sure you sanitize your hands on a daily basis (especially after visiting fast food restaurants). You don't have to worry about catching the virus during sex, though. The infected do not participate in such activities. House zombies, HZs for short, are found indoors due to the following:

(1) World of Warcraft - This is responsible for the largest number of HZs on the planet. Efforts to relocate house zombies to reservations within the realms of Warcraft have failed on numerous occasions.

(2) Sunlight - Like vampires, the sunlight has a crippling effect on HZs. Half-breeds, however, can venture outside at their will. They are also known as daywalkers. Sometimes, daywalkers are mistakenly identified as gingers.

(3) Sandworms - The only known footage of sandworms was captured by Tim Burton while working on the film Beetlejuice. HZs by nature do not like risks. They are more likely to stay indoors because of their fear of sandworms.

(4) Marijuana - HZs often partake in a mind-numbing activity known as "taking a hit". The effects are minimal on normal people, but exponentially increased for those of the house zombie populous.

(5) Delivery Men - The only nourishment HZs receive is what is brought to them by delivery men (the exception being daywalkers). Lured in with promises of greenbacks, delivery men are the key to HZ survival. Needless to say, when this food source diminishes, HZs are all but starved out.

**Beware of houseless zombies (HLZs). They are a rare breed often found under bridges. The L-virus is fueled by alcohol, paint fumes, and cleaning solvents. HLZs cannot be cured and are past recovery.

As you can see, laziness is not something to be trifled with. If you or someone you love has been infected, please do not hesitate to get the help that you need. It will change your life. And remember, I am fighting for you and your recovery, so feel free to share your success stories here.

You Hear Me Talkin', Hillbilly Boy?

Back in my day . . .

You guessed it, we're talking about youngins. More specifically, kindergartners. Even more specifically, kindergartner gangbangers (not sexually related, get your head out of the gutter). You heard me right. As Santa Claus would say, "They do exist". One thing is certain, these kids are definitely on the naughty list. In fact, the only present they will receive is probably a hand-me-down 9MM. Uncle Killa B needs a new model. Err, that's probably not how "it goes down". What I meant to say was, Unc Masta 'KB' Killa B needs a new "po-po poppa". Apparently these kindergartners are very street smart (that is, until they are old enough to drop the soap). Do what ya gotta do to survive, I suppose. Please don't mug me.

I was never a bad kid (promise). Sure, I had my share of imperfections, but I never held a Kalashnikov in an obscure photo op. Like I said, I wasn't a troublemaker, but I sure was curious. As I recall, I first asked my mom about "s-e-x" when I was 5 years old (honestly, I should have had an early Bar Mitzvah). That was my coming of age moment during which I earned my man card. You should have seen the look on my mother's face. I believe it was at that moment that she pondered motherhood and her delinquent son's future. She even had my grandfather explain this supernatural event. "You see, when a man and a woman love each other . . . "

Kids today seem to grow up much faster. I don't know if our culture is to blame or if it's Hollywood. I say Hollywood because it has always been an easy scapegoat for people not willing to accept blame. That said, some of you don't need children. You know who you are. When you can barely take care of yourself, it might not be a good idea to bring children into the world.

Don't make me the bad guy. I would prefer not to be the old man shouting "you rack a disciprine" to hoodlums terrorizing my property. Sadly, I know some of you will force me to act in an extreme way. I will purchase a dog that rivals that of 'the beast' in The Sandlot. You will NOT get your baseball back.

Important notes: I am not Jewish, a delinquent, old, or Chinese. And yes, I'm single.

Kali Ma! Kali Ma!

If I were to wish upon a star, I would enthusiastically demand from the heavens that Mike Rowe narrate my life. Unless, of course, it's a dirty job. I wasn't built for manual labor. Certain individuals were. You will likely find them at the corner of Home Depot. Just kidding.

Okay, now that I have your attention let's begin. I don't know about you, but I get tired of answering questions. What is this? Who is that? Look, all of the information you demand is on the internet (so is porn). Al Gore invented the internet so you wouldn't have to ask me about every menial thing (but mostly for porn).

One word: Google. If you are unsure about anything just consult Google (I put this in here just for you, mom). I do this on a regular basis. As you might guess, the end result is learning. Not only is it easy, but it's convenient. Win-win.

Google is taking over the world. Embrace it. And don't worry, they'll be gentle. I for one am honored to have lived in such an era. If you haven't noticed, I need a job. Please, Google, hear my prayers. By the way, I'm not actually praying to Google. I'm writing this so I don't have to explain to my relatives that I don't actually believe in a search engine. It would make a nice backup plan though if this other doesn't work out. Again, joking.

I'm your regular Bob Hope, just without the laughter, career, and adoration of fans worldwide. I do have one thing going for me though, I'm not dead.

Finally, a Public Service Announcement for white people everywhere: please stop saying chyeah. Thank you.

Sunday Bloody Sunday

Religious folks like to take Sundays off. This is why I'm sitting here writing to you (plus, it's damn hot outside). Just an FYI, none of my writing is planned, it's all spur of the moment. Hmm that must be an old western saying.

Anyways, let's talk about recent events. I'm at the age now that many of my friends are getting married (mehwiage is what brings us together ... today). It all kind of sneaks up on you doesn't it? Soon, if not already, Facebook will be littered with wedding photos and baby pictures. It's a scary reality that I have come to accept, well, kind of. Lately, I have felt that I have been doing it wrong. By it I mean life. It feels as though everyone is engaged or married and I'm not willing to conform to these trends. As the great Jackie Chiles would say, it is ludicrous, ridiculous, preposterous, outrageous.

Unfortunately, I know that in a few years, plus or minus, the wedding phase will be over and it will be replaced by the not so fun divorce phase. Then, as if coming straight out of the marriage manual will come the rebounds. A lot of the problems come from people not willing to spend time reading the directions in said manual. If only Biff Tannen would come back in time and give me a play-by-play relationship history book that could point me in the right direction. *hint hint* Maybe, if the price is right, he would throw in a book on who ages well. *hint* Thanks in advance!

I suppose we all have to grow up sometime. Not me though, I still look 16. Also, I took a Peter Pan pose recently (my shadow, son of a bitch is fast!). All kidding aside, congratulations to my friends taking this big step. I hope all of you find what you're looking for.

Ace High

Hello dear reader, I am back once again. I'll try to be more honest with you this time around. Also, I will leave out a bit of the verbal abuse. Not all, though. I must apologize for my absence, the last six months have been rather trying. In January I started studying for the GMAT and preparing for graduate school. I'm proud to announce that I finally achieved my goal and got into the MBA program at UNT. Thank you, thank you all. I would especially like to thank my parents, God, of course, and Liam Neeson.

Now I know what you're thinking, "Why Matt, you won't have any time for ladies". That may be true, but I was assured that there would be no shortage (where all da white women at?). Not only is there a good ratio of female to male students at UNT, but Denton also has TWU. To be honest, my parents are getting nervous. I'm 23, without a prospect, and they want grandchildren (mostly my mom, my dad could care less about little shits running around). I just hope they don't think I'm gay, not that there's anything wrong with that.

My, this has been fun. We need to do this again sometime, really. Until next time, farewell.